Review of Star Wars: Episode II - Attack of the Clones

Below follows a review I wrote a long time ago about the previous Star Wars movie, Episode II - Attack of the Clones.

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Welcome back to Star Wars. The events in this movie have nothing to do with us, they take place a long time ago in a galaxy far far away.

The movie begins with a starry background and scrolling text. Stars Wars music trumpets loudly. Suddenly, I realize I’m not just watching a movie, but this is Star Wars. The same Star Wars from when I was a child. The same music, the same scrolling text.

Few movies can live up to the fanfare of the Star Wars theme music, and alas, Attack of the Clones doesn’t live up. We begin with “Senator Amidala” (Natalie Portman) walking off a spaceship, and then the ship blows up behind her. Someone wants to kill her. Maybe they got sick and tired of her lousy acting skills?

None other than Obiwan Kenobi (Ewan McGregor) and his apprentice Anakin Skywalker (Hayden Christensen) are assigned to protect her. Every time I see Anakin, I expect him to say “Duuude. You’re getting a Dell!” I don’t think he’s the kid from the Dell commercial, but the similarity is eerie.

There’s a lot of political stuff going on involving the Senate, but I certainly wasn’t able to follow any of it. I wonder if even George Lucas himself knew what all the politics stuff was about.

The action scenes are good. We see a lot of impossible stunts, with Anakin and Obiwan flying hundreds of feet through the air, luckily landing on top of awaiting hovercraft. (I guess the Force enables them to do this. Too bad the Force doesn’t give them any acting ability.)

Who was behind the assassination attempts on Padme Amidala? I can’t reveal this information. No, it’s not because I don’t want to reveal the plot. It’s because after watching the movie, I still can’t figure it out! Maybe the bounty hunter Jango Fett was involved, but I have no clue who he’s working for or how much he’s getting paid. We meet his son Boba Fett who has an important role in episodes V and VI. Jango first appears on the planet of the Cloners. Later he appears with Count Dooku, the bad guy. As far as I can tell, the army created by the Cloners were for the Republic and the Jedi, and fought against Count Dooku, so I can’t figure out what side Jango was on. I guess it doesn’t matter what side he’s on, he’s just bad.

In the movie we see that Anakin is not quite up the moral standards one associates with Jedi. He doesn’t listen to orders, he has a lot of pent up anger, he kills for revenge. Since we all know that Anakin turns into Darth Vader (presumably in Episode III), we know where this is heading.

We know way too much about the future for there to be much suspense in this movie. We know that Obiwan isn’t going to die. We know that Anakin isn’t going to die. We know that Padme Amidala isn’t going to die until she has Anakin’s kids, Luke and Leia. We know Yoda lives. Some of the other characters are going to die, but who cares about them? I’d like to say that Jar Jar Binks gets killed, but he has a very minor role in this movie. Thankfully. Did the cool black Jedi with the clean shaven head, played by Samuel Jackson, die? I don’t even remember.

Attack of the Clones is much more of an adult movie than The Phantom Menace, or even the Return of the Jedi. No cute aliens to make into stuffed animals to sell with Happy Meals. On this basis alone, it’s a far better movie than Phantom Menance.

Did I mention how bad the acting was? Or maybe it was the awful lines the actors were given? Watching the romance between Anakin and Padme is not much more romantic than watching Monday Night Football. Natalie Portman’s petite frame doesn’t really turn me on. She looks like she’s 12 years old. I guess they needed a female who’s not too intimidating to small children. The raw sexual energy of Pamela Anderson would be too much for the kiddies to handle. The only good thing I have to say about Natalie is that she has a nice stomach. She must have a personal trainer who works only her stomach. She needs to buff up the rest of her body.

The movie has many cues, most not very subtle, to tell us who the good guys and who the bad guys are. Democracy is good. Padme explains that the Republic is about Democracy. I’m confused about this. Her planet, Naboo, is ruled by a Queen. This doesn’t sound very Democratic. On Tatooine, human beings are still sold as slaves. Not to mention other sentient life forms. What kind of Democracy is this? Anakin expresses doubts about Democracy. This clues us into the fact that he’s going to go over to the Dark Side. Only someone under the influence of the Dark Side could ever say anything bad about Democracy.

The climate of a planet tells us if the inhabitants are good or bad. On Naboo, where Amidala is from, it is always bright and sunny, and everything is green and pretty. There are a bunch of waterfalls there that look like Niagra to the tenth power. I laughed at this scene, it looked so ridiculous. No one else in the theater thought it was funny.

On the planet where the Cloners live, it is always dark and stormy. The planet is all ocean, and big waves keep crashing against the city which arises from the ocean depths. Obiwan and Jango fight a big fight outside the entrance of the city, but no Cloners think to look to see what’s going on. Either they mind their own business really well, or they’re stupid. I suspect the latter.

Count Dooku’s planet, where they manufacture ‘droid soldiers, is all barren rocks. It looks like New Mexico on steroids, minus the vegetation. This clues us into the fact that he’s a bad guy. If he were a good guy, he’d be living on a lush green planet full of waterfalls.

The funniest scene in the movie is the one where Yoda takes out his lightsaber and has a fierce battle with an evil Jedi. (I won’t give away the identity of the bad guy that he fights. You’ll have to watch the movie.) Yes, it’s even funnier than the waterfalls. I was laughing and I looked around and no one else saw the humor in it. Everyone else was taking the movie far too seriously. Come on guys, we have a muppet with a light saber doing Bruce Lee moves! This is hilarious!

I give the movie four out of five stars. Even though it’s a bad movie, it’s still Star Wars, and it still has the great Star Wars music, and the special effects are quite competent (if ruined by the fact that you know none of the main characters are going to get killed by any of them). And there are no kids or Ewoks to ruin the movie.

Comments

[Scott S]

lol, Pamela Anderson as Luke's mother. Now that would explain a lot of the dysfunction.

[Lisa H]

“Duuude. You’re getting a Dell!” That's hilarious!